SUPOLIZER
365 days gone that you are no longer here. Many would think wow, 1 year already? I haven’t necessarily thought about you every day since you have been gone, the first few days were the hardest. It was as if I was out of my body observing all that was going on. People came, said so many things, I heard some, I don’t remember the bulk of that period and we had to actively plan two events for your burial, one in Nigeria and the other in Mauritius.
The preacher who presided over your burial in Mauritius was the first person that spoke to me who sort of understood the concept of grief. We used his church for the night of tribute which was a day before your burial and he walked up to me and said, I heard you are Supo’s brother and he asked if there was anything I really wanted to talk about. We spoke at length and he didn’t talk to me as a pastor, he just spoke as someone who at a deeper level understood what I was feeling.
We did your burial and I came back to Lagos and life seemingly moved on. But the question is have I moved on? Will I ever stop grieving? Just so we are clear, I have had happy moments in between, your niece got into A levels, I got another car, Lanre passed her nursing exams, one business is showing me shege but another one is really pulling its weight (unexpectedly) so life has not been all gloom but life feels so empty without you in it. I honestly try not to rationalize about all the things we spoke about, plans you had, moving back to Naij, but bro, what can I say? Remember that joke about if you want to make God laugh, show Him your plans.
365 days gone Supolizer and the one thing I am super grateful to God for is how your mum has fared. Bro, I knew we had a mum that was hard on many levels, but this last one year, I really wish I could read or tell what’s going on in her mind. About two weeks before your first anniversary of passing away, Mohammed called, just to tell us of the plans they had in Mauritius and all and I was working from home that day, so I told him to say hi to momsy and he did. When he got off the call, I was then telling her some of the plans they had and all, that we want to make sure you are not forgotten. Supo, this woman said Adesupo cannot be forgotten and for one second, her voice sounded like it was going to break into a cry and this woman wore her glasses and continued reading her bible. I knew she wanted to cry but she shrug it off and kept on with her bible. I couldn’t take it, I went to my room and cried like a child. It was too painful to see her try to suppress pain the way she was.
As I was writing this to you, Aunty Sade called and asked if I was fine, I wanted to say I was fine but the words would not make it out of my lips and I just started crying instead, she asked me how momsy was doing and I said I didn’t know. She said momsy is like their father, totally submitted to the will of God. That level of submission and acceptance needs to be studied and emulated.
I have cried so much since yesterday, I have a headache. The left side of my head pounds. Your guys were at the grave side this morning, they said a prayer for you. They asked if I had anything to say, I couldn’t talk, I was just crying. I am still crying typing this, I hope I make it to the end of this conversation with you.
There’s so much I want to put in print and put out there but I remember how in the last few months to your death, we would chat about so many things and you would tell me to delete our chats. We spoke about so many sensitive things, there was no way a third party could see or hear them. That’s how I feel now. The circumstances around your death is a conversation I have had in very hushed tones. Remi watched your night of tributes in Lagos and died the next day, he was committed to mother earth before you. Statements you made to Khadija. I have refused to process anything because even making sense of it will not bring any closure or bring you back. You are gone gone Adesupo and all I have left are the memories we shared and me holding on to a few of your stuffs but even those will become redundant after a while and it will all be memories and I hope I can keep them as real and as alive as much as I possibly can.
One of my earlier writing to you was titled the scar that may never heal and its true, at least that’s what this weekend has shown me. Dapo called me yesterday and he was just crying, imagine a 62 year old man just crying helplessly. I have subtly shaded him, he is going to react to what I just said. There was one time he, me and kunle were on a group call and we spoke for about an hour. We laughed and yabbed each other and it occurred to me that we had never happened before. You were obviously the missing person in that conversation cause before Lanre, Dam and Yemisi showed up, four of us were the tightest cousins and brothers ever.
We all miss you so much, Niyi’s mum misses you like it was her own son that passed. Mummy had to warn Aunty Doyin not to call her again if she will not stop crying, that if she is crying, what does she expect her to do.
Talking about momsy, one night I came back home really late maybe 1 or 2am, just my normal city boy waka. Meanwhile momsy has been at my place since your passing, na so next morning, momsy went off on night waka etc I just changed it for her, told her she was stressing me and should go back to her house. She didn’t say anything, just went back to her room. After a while, she came to meet me and asked, what do you think would happen to me should anything happen to you, how do you think I will live? In that moment, I just broke down again (not in her presence o) hard guy energy must be maintained. She can’t see me weak…….lol, but I apologized to her afterwards and realized how much your death has suddenly made her protective of me. Another day, she said na all this my late night waka no dey make her prayer get quick answer from God, I told her don’t pray for me again, don’t worry. You get the cruise, me and her still never dey gree after all these years but I am seriously learning to be the bigger person and letting things go…..lol. E get one time, Tife and her momsy get issue, so I told Tife to let it go, that she should be the bigger person, the girl said there’s no virtue in being the bigger person that there are days for pettiness. No mind that one, she’s turning to an extreme feminist now. Called me the other day that out of 24 hours, we should be using 23 hours 30 minutes to fear men. Maybe I will make an effort to start playing video games with her, continue from where you stopped.
I was supposed to have a virtual memorial service for you but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, no need having a tears competition, let everyone mourn and celebrate you privately and when I spoke to Tayo about it, she agreed with me. I am not referring to Tayo your ex….focus. Cause all this yarns wey I dey tell you, no think say I forget say you no too get sense like that, I still remember say you dey fuck up wella, dey do anyhow but you be my guy, in life and in death. You knew you could count on me to go to war with you and stand with you even if it’s just you and I standing.
In all of this Supolizer, your mum has been the greatest inspiration to me, the woman has gained weight, her health is in a better shape, her cholesterol is down compared to what it was prior. If you didn’t know this woman, nothing indicates that she lost her favorite child, literally the apple of her eyes a year ago. She talks the faith game, but bro I have seen take the faith walk o. I am not anywhere as strong as that woman but I also know you can’t be strong like that on your own, it has to take a complete surrender to God’s will and authority and along the lines of something Aunty Sade said to me, she said it is God that gives a peace that passes all understanding and I think mummy has that peace cause if that wasn’t the case, I don’t know how else she would have survived without you.
I was crying earlier, but I am smiling now. I am happy I can find my happy place conversing with you. Certain aspects of your life continue to inspire me and even though you left at what seemed like an early time, you left when it was your time and I don’t know my time, no one knows their time, I only hope that when it is my time, I will be ready to face my creator.
You are sorely missed Adesupo, you are immensely loved. You left your mark. Your friends keep reaching out till today, they aren’t faking it, they loved you. We still love you even in death and we are grateful for the time we spent together and the memories we created.
Till we meet on the resurrection morning my bro, I will put that song on repeat regardless of how much the song makes me cry.
It’s been a long day without you my bro and I will tell you all about it when I see you again. We have come a long way from where we began and I will tell you all about it when I see you again ……..
I love you so much my brother, friend and mischief partner. The family was 3, one left but God added and continues to add to the number.
Speed Nothing (its an inside joke).
